The Candy Horizon

11 My Table

It took a month to make my table
It's very nice I think
I can eat meals on it,
And everyone says ooh!
What a lovely table
It was nothing says I
You ought to be a carpenter
Says this walrus lady
I'd like to glue your mouth
And saw your legs off
Says I
She doesn't hear me
Just keeps gabbling on
So I crept up behind her
And poured twenty gallons of UHU
On the head of this woman

Like an old fashioned record player
Running Down
She slowly stopped talking
And her voice got very deep
I was laughing
And she was staring
At me
And she was covered in UHU
And sort of growling
When her mouth had sealed up
I had a cup of tea
Whilst waiting for everything to set
And I spent the time
Thinking what to do

I could always get my chisel
And make a few improvements
But no says I
Being a straightforward sort of chap
I cut her legs off with a saw
And gave one each to the dogs
The arms I fashioned
Into the likeness of baseball bats
And donated them
To a U.S. Air Force station
Which was nearby
I threw her head in the dustbin
As I didn't like it very much
And the body
I forget what I did with that
It must still be around
If you're passing
Do pop in and see my table
Which I made myself

Ian Gillan
Copyright © Ian Gillan 1969

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