Archive Anecdotage

34 Shopping in alligator country

I was browsing in the 'Sports Authority' when a Florida shoe salesman slithered alongside.

SS"Wants some help?"

IG "No thanks, I'm just looking."

SS "What do you need?"

IG (Resignedly)"I'd like a pair of something like these."

SS "What are they for?"

IG "Pardon me?"

SS "What are they for" (airily waving his hand around the store).

IG "(Catching on) "Shopping."

SS "Shopping?"

IG "Yes, they're for shopping and, er, writing."

SS "OK, you need some cross trainers."

IG "To match my mood?"

SS "What size?"

IG "Eleven."

SS "Here you go."

IG "What's this? These are nothing like mine."

SS (Patiently, a small sigh) "Just try them for size."

IG "I know my size, 45.3 in France, 290 in Japan, 10.5 in UK and 11 in US."

SS "But all sizes are different."

IG (I give in ) "That's true, I suppose. These are too small."

SS (Triumphantly) "Then you need 11.5."

IG "But I've always worn eleven in America."

SS "Maybe your feet have grown since you bought your last pair."

IG "I'm fifty-two years old."

SS (Suspiciously) "Did you buy them overseas?"

IG "Nope."

SS "So, the eleven and a half then..."

IG "I don't want these, they look idiotic on me. I want some plain white pumps like the ones I'm wearing."

SS "But those are tennis shoes."

IG "Oh, I see, what should I do then?"

SS (From a great height) "Your choice sir, I'm just here to help."

IG "Yes, well I feel much better, goodbye, and thank you for your help."

SS "You're welcome sir, and you all come back and see us..." he scuttles off in search of another victim."

© Ian Gillan 1997

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